love & forgiveness.

as my church is wrapping up its sermon series on the Sermon on the Mount, i've been thinking about what has impacted me most about the teachings. Jesus tells us here to love our enemies, and to forgive those who sin against us. i have struggled with these two things my whole life, like everyone else, but i have really been striving to understand what he means, & how it's even possible to do this.

previous romantic relationships that ended badly have a strong hold on me. i hold grudges against certain men for hurting me, for abandoning me, for not loving me. this is something i am completely broken by - i feel guilty still caring because i am married to the only man i have ever known that i would want to be married to. for some reason though, this doesn't eradicate the leftover pain of rejection i have from some of my former relationships. this very struggle of mine, however, has led to an interesting learning platform regarding forgiveness & love of your enemies.

have you ever seen (500) Days of Summer? this movie could have been written about the relationship i had before meeting Brandon, except he was Summer, and i was Tom. it was excruciating, never being enough for him, and always being uncertain - hopes rising, and hopes dashed. & exhausting. i have harbored bitterness for him ever since. i would have preferred to believe that he was just incapable of love - except, like Summer, he was engaged shortly after we quit dating.

fast forward to a couple months ago: i am brought to my knees in humility by his fiancee. she very graciously invited me to an event at their home that i was dying to go to, and then treated me like a guest of honor in their home. she has shown me nothing but kindness, and although it was a little awkward for him, for me, & for Brandon, the evening was very pleasant. when i look back at it, and when i observe the degree of friendliness the 4 of us now share, i'm honestly ashamed of myself. not ashamed for being hurt - no, i think that was justified - but ashamed of my hatefulness towards another human being. not only that, but displacing my anger towards him onto his fiancee, who had never given me any reason not to like her, besides being the object of his love. but i am ashamed that although i know Jesus, and i love him, and i strive to follow him every day, i would not obey his command to love my enemy, & forgive those who have sinned against me.

this new road of friendship with them has given me cause for a lot of self-examination, and made me scared, doubtful, and wary - but over all of that, it has given me an incredible sense of peace. i no longer harbor disdain, bitterness, and anger in my heart. i am free now, thanks to Jesus, and it feels great.

as much as i love my husband, and as perfect & wonderful as he is, he is not the end-all-be-all like i thought he would be. i still need Jesus. i still long for him to fulfill me and to heal me. he has given me a good gift - the best gift - a righteous, strong, gentle, loving man to treasure me and cherish me and to share life with me, but he is not meant to replace Jesus.

so now i am free to love my enemies, free to surrender myself to Jesus in every way, and free to love my husband more fully because there is nowhere in my heart that i'm holding back from him.

Jesus is so smart. :)

love your enemies.

lately in church and house church we have been studying the Sermon on the Mount. for many of the weeks, i have prepared the discussions we'll have as a community, which makes you think about it more, & i have come to a conclusion: i suck at being a Christian.

being a Christian, if you read the Sermon on the Mount, is all about turning the standard way of doing things upside down and doing them God's way. think you're blessed if you're rich and happy and well-liked? nope. he says you're blessed if you are poor, mourning, and persecuted. this puts you in a position where you can receive from the Lord, and that is where you want to be.

his ideas are so extraordinary, so... impossible. you're not just sinning if you murder someone - Jesus is setting the line WAY back at holding contempt for someone in your heart. it's not good enough to not hit someone back if they hit you, but you should instead show them that there's a different way to live, by giving them the other cheek as well. your identity, your power, your life is not defined by who they say you are. making yourself less will show them that there is more. and, the kicker - don't just love your neighbor as yourself, as if that isn't hard enough. but do this: love your enemies.

i am too self-centered for that. seriously? you want me to LOVE people who have hurt me? you want me to love people who don't like me? but, love holds no record of wrongs. love isn't easily angered. love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres. how the heck do i treat someone mean like THAT? how do i forgive someone who doesn't care that they hurt me? how do i trust someone who lies and pretends like they don't?

i guess it has to start with forgetting about myself. it's not about me. there is a higher purpose than my life - God has a plan. he has a plan to redeem the world. he is going to turn this place upside down and make it a place where servants are leaders, where peace reigns, where hope prevails. he is going to make the blind see, the deaf hear, & set the captives free. this is the hope i have - that one day things will be perfect, the way they were meant to be. now i just have to learn how to let go of myself & love freely, the way He loves.

love will usher in the new kingdom.

a house is not a home without a cat.

i am spoiled rotten. we went to the humane society yesterday so my husband could get me a kitty for valentine's day, and we left intending to adopt two! here they are, little cuties. we applied for adoption, and we are first on the list for both of them. the adoption counselor just has to look over our application and call our apartment complex to make sure we're allowed to have pets. we'll get a call on wednesday telling us whether our adoption is approved, and then we get to go pick them up on saturday!




we originally just went to adopt this little guy. he was perfect - i love orange male cats, and brandon loves long haired cats. we got there right at ten o'clock when they open, and less than 3 minutes later, someone else showed up who was interested in him. but we were there first, so yay! first dibs on little mister. we stayed for about an hour and a half to play with them, and like four other people showed up who wanted to adopt him too! it was crazy. we were really relieved that we came so early.


when we were there, we found out that he has a little sister. we fell in love with her, too. she is so pretty! but she doesn't look anything like him. she is a short-hair, and is gray with black stripes. her little stripes are so perfect, and she has the prettiest face. the two of them were playing together the whole time, and we decided we can't separate them. plus, they'll have each other to be entertained when we're not home. so, we applied to adopt her too. and we're first on the list for her. yay!


there is very little chance that our adoption won't be approved. our apartment complex does allow pets, we don't have any other pets, and we don't intend to let these two outside. we're so excited! the humane society have named them bobby and barbie, but we're renaming them howie and ruby. short for chancellor howard von weasley wilsman and duchess ruby cleopatra sophia wilsman. if you've ever had a cat, you understand the need to give them both a royal name and a cute name.

the best valentine's day ever!

my fairy tale life.

i really believe i am the luckiest woman in the whole wide world. here's why:

i am HAPPY. that's a pretty huge deal these days. compared to people around me, and the American public at large. but not only that - it's a huge deal for me. i have struggled my entire life to be really, truly happy. i've thrown myself in headfirst to things that i imagined would bring me happiness, only to be desperately disappointed.

but here i am, 25 years into it, and i've found happiness. i have a loving, wonderful husband who delights in me and is proud to let me delight in him. all morning he has been singing songs, inserting his nickname for me into them. he lights up when i do the same thing. our lives are one life now, and neither of us have any regrets. we have the same purpose, the same goals, and the same dreams. our marriage is drenched in love love love.

i have a community of other Jesus followers that i live life with. my house church is full of other Christians who have different perspectives and personalities, and i wouldn't know what to do without them. we meet together and struggle through life and philosophy, but best of all, we love each other. despite our flaws. we worship together, pray together, learn together, eat together, work together, and serve together. it's a beautiful example of the church.

and outside my house church, i have other friends who mean the world to me. sarah, who has been a faithful devoted friend since we were freshman in high school. tara, who i love to love, despite our differences. my life would not be complete without these girls. they are an essential part of my happiness and my sanity.

and my family is incredible. i have the coolest people of all time in my family. my mother is a passionate, loving woman who only wants to be good and right. she is one of the bravest people i've ever met. my brother jordan was born with a heart overflowing with love and compassion. plus, he's interested in everything. and one of the smartest people ever. top two, with my sister hannah. i'm not sure who's smarter. but hannah knows EVERYTHING, and she is so unique and beautiful. and my baby sister bonnie belle has the gift of friendship. she has more friends than anyone in the whole world, and all of them consider her their best friend. she has this uncanny and precocious ability as an 18 year old to see the world past her own nose. i'm sure that's why so many people love her. she is wise beyond her years and compassionate beyond her years. and my grandparents are just these amazing, God-fearing people who live their lives to please him and love people. my pawpaw was my favorite man in the whole entire world until i met my husband. and i have these great, interesting cousins and uncles and aunts, too.

and i love my in-laws. how about that, huh? they loved me immediately, the second they met me. i never have had to prove anything to them, except that i love their son. which had to be obvious. lisa is the sweetest woman, and bruce is a hilarious man who is devoted to his family. my new sisters-in-law are wonderful, and wow, just the whole family is great.

i guess what i've found is the key to my happiness is to surround myself with people who are full of love that spills out of them, and to lavish them with love as well. just to love and be loved in return, like in moulin rouge.