almost 10 weeks.

i have always been terrible at casting my anxieties on Jesus. i really don't know how to do it, i don't think. i am a worrier. before i started having pregnancy symptoms, i worried because i wasn't having them. then i had nausea for maybe a week, but quit having it, and then worried again. actually, all my pregnancy symptoms disappeared in the 9th week. i am freaking myself out by reading pregnancy message boards & seeing people who have miscarried. i'm not sure if i am going to be able to really enjoy being pregnant, despite having an easy pregnancy so far, because i worry so much. it doesn't even seem to matter all that much that i had a blood pregnancy test last week that tested my hCG levels at 287,410. VERY HiGH, in case that number means nothing to you. i just keep worrying... what if the baby died, but not very long before that test was taken? i don't have my first OB appointment until next Friday. i hope hope hope it will make me feel better. we'll get to hear the baby's heartbeat. but part of me is dreading it... what if they can't find it? i know partly it is normal to worry, but i really am taking it over the top. i have no reason to think anything at all is wrong with my pregnancy, aside from having few symptoms. i have no health problems, no one in my family has ever had trouble with pregnancy, and for heaven's sake, the Lord spoke to my grandfather about my child before I even knew the child was conceived! I know what I really need to do is repent... I do not trust the Lord. I don't trust him that his plans are better than mine, no matter what happens with this baby. I don't trust him to bless me, & I don't trust him to comfort me. I am not being joyful in all circumstances, even in joyful circumstances! I am not really giving thanks, because I secretly think that he is going to take it all away from me. this is wrong, & not at all in keeping with who I know the Lord to be. bad things DO happen. they really do, sometimes. it's not that they don't, & not that they couldn't happen to me, but to expect that they are going to really shows my lack of faith. i really hate not trusting him. i'm sure i'd be a lot happier if i really did. trust me, we've talked about it at length, many many times over the years. but you know what i love about him? instead of being mad that i don't trust him, he just keeps giving me more & more reasons to trust him. which is totally awesome. i really do love him, lots & lots.